So as the New Year rolled in DH and I decided we needed to come up with a 2 year plan, well, me more than him actually. There are some big changes coming for us in the next two years, one being my return to work after a 3 year combined maternity leaves and leaves of absence. Going back to work will be a bitter-sweet thing.
Sweet in that our income will more than double, allowing us to finally purchase the home of our dreams but bitter because my time at home with the boys will come to an end. I find that I am having an inner struggle with this. I know that me going back to work means the boys will have things and experiences that they would not be able to have otherwise, but I also strongly believe that the best place for them is with me, at home. The thought of giving up my position seems so irresponsible in such economic turbulent times. I would be giving up a permanent contract, my pension plan plus all the other benefits that come with being a teacher. I also know that if I chose to give up my position that I would be asking my DH to continue to work his butt off until I eventually return to work. I feel so torn!
With the New Year we also felt the need to shed some of our baby items, but not without the discussion of whether we will add one more to our family. Again, I am torn. My mind and my heart tell me two different things on this issue. I know that it really makes no sense for us to have another baby. Assuming I do go back to work, we would TTC shortly after purchasing a home, which means we would really have to get tight with our finances again to do this. We would also be at the point where life with the boys will be getting easier. They will both be more independent and easier to do things with. It makes no sense to me to then take a step back to 'babyland' again and restrict what we are able to do with the boys because we also have an infant. But in my heart I desperately want another child. DH would like 2 more. The question I keep asking myself is if I will ever feel satisfied. I love being pregnant and giving birth. I LOVE children! So I sometimes think that regardless of the number of children we have, I will still always long for another. So torn!