I noticed a poster at the Early Years Centre yesterday that read "I cry for many reasons, but never to make you angry". Ouch! It hit me like a punch to the gut because if I am brutally honest, at 9pm, 12am, 3am and 6am the frustrations of having been up most of the night trying to get Brennan back to sleep slowly starts turning to anger, and a little bit of resentment. I try to remain the gentle mother on the outside but inside my heart rate is quickening and my blood pressure is rising. Although I do my best to maintain composure on the outside, I know that the built up frustration from the past few months is starting to show. I know this because my husband is starting to take notice. I feel like I've lost control not only of Brennan's sleeping, but of my emotions in relation to it.
At 2am lastnight I decided that we need to do something about this. I mean seriously do something about this. But what? My husband is convinced that we need to let him CIO and I am beginning to think that he is right but I don't know how. I know to do this that I am going to have to really prepare myself because I know once we start, there is no going back, otherwise I will only teach him to cry harder, longer. My husband and I had a brief but heated discussion about it this morning. Probably not the best time to discuss it as both of us were exhausted.
Morning nap time rolls around and Brennan is sinking in to his normal routine. Cry, grab my hair, my face, kick...and I begin to wonder, is this really any better than CIO? In that split second I made the decision...the time is now and I am ready. I need to do this for both of us. We are both miserable from lack of sleep. So I put him down in his crib. For 5 minutes he is quiet and I wonder if he was ready for this too. I start a craft with Aidan to distract me if he does start to cry, and he does! For 10 minutes I carry on doing what I was doing with Aidan. After the 10 minute mark, I went in, gave him a kiss and put him back down (he was standing in the crib). 15 minutes later I do the same thing and 15 minutes after that he was sound asleep. When I look down in the crib at him sleeping I start to cry. I never wanted it to come to this and I feel like a horrible mother for not only doing this, but failing to find a more suitable option.
Afternoon nap rolls around and my stomach is getting in knots...ugh, not again. I go in, give him a kiss and lay him down. I proceed to get Aidan ready for his nap and then head out to clean up a bit. 10 minutes later I realize that I am not hearing Brennan. I slowly open the door and peek in. I can't see any movement so I move closer to his crib. There he is, sound asleep. Not even as much as a whimper out of him and he's been sleeping now for close to an hour. This never happens.
I won't fill myself with hope that we have turned a new leaf just yet, but it gives me comfort to know that he is capable of putting himself to sleep without me and without crying.